I think I know why I’ve had writer's block since my last post. The em dash triggered old wounds and I realized that I froze…a response many people can probably relate to. When things happen to us that are triggering we often respond with fight, flight or freeze energy. That is exactly what happened to me with the em dash Tik Tok. I was triggered, decided to express myself here, and even though it felt good to get that post out to the world…to be open and honest with how I use Chat GPT…I really wasn't at peace with it, because I wasn’t entirely honest with myself. I kept feeling this “ick” feeling. I thought that by being transparent about using AI was enough to help me work through an old wound, but it wasn’t.
Old Wounds Linger Sometimes
After some more reflection about why I was stuck, I realized it was because using AI to help me edit was still pushing on one of my pain points. I was using it as a crutch…I didn’t believe in myself…in my abilities. I didn’t have enough self-confidence to edit my pieces on my own. I was still too worried about what others would think of me. The negative self-talk and old wounds of:
I'm not smart enough to do this on my own.
I need something or someone else to edit my posts because I will make too many mistakes…and that will be more embarrassing.
What will people think? If people actually read my own words, they’ll be confused because it won't make sense and there will be too many grammatical errors.
I was coming into each post at a deficit. I used Chat GPT as a safety net, because I thought that alone I wasn’t enough. I believed that I needed to polish my pieces just in case I made mistakes. But no more. No more polishing. I am enough.
I also now know that the sense of urgency that has been conditioned into me was a part of this. For me, using Chat GPT allowed me to get these pieces out faster because technology would edit my work and then boom…publish…and onto the next.
Maybe you feel this sense of urgency too? Not necessarily in the way I do, but I bet it’s there in you too. See if you can notice it within yourself…get curious with how it reveals itself. See where you can slow things down for yourself.
Two things I am releasing:
The pressure of urgency.
The negative self-talk and self-doubt.
Strong Back, Soft Front
So there it is…I've decided to forgo using Chat GPT entirely. I want to see how it feels for me to just be 100% me on the page…errors and inconsistencies and all. No help. I was using AI to protect me, it was a sort of shield, a way I could avoid potential pain. But no more. I’m taking the armor off.
I love Brené Brown's quote - “strong back, soft front.” - which to me means, stand tall and be proud. Be strong, set boundaries. But also…stay soft, vulnerable, and open to the world.
I think the opposite - “strong front, soft back” - is often how many of us live our lives and it doesn't serve us. We might try to fool ourselves and think it does, but when we live from a “strong front, soft back” model we crumble. A “strong front, soft back” leaves people calloused and closed off to the world. We are more likely to strengthen our fronts due to repeated pain and traumas. It is natural to want to protect ourselves. To armor up so others don't hurt us…so we don't feel pain. But then this leaves us unable to soften and be vulnerable. This leaves our backs soft and that’s when the crumble happens. It's inevitable. And the cycle then continues. If all our energy is spent protecting our front, we have nothing left to stand tall or have the ability to truly handle the hard parts of life.
Because I think the thing we often forget is that the softening of our fronts is actually strength. To be able to soften, to be open and curious, vulnerable and truly honest with ourselves and each other is a quiet strength. A beautiful strength. A needed strength.
For me, I don’t want to armor up. I want a soft front, strong back. Even if that sometimes leads to pain, disappointment and a broken heart…because to me that is how we grow and how we learn to strengthen our backs. The strengthening of our back happens when we establish healthy boundaries that serve to protect us and help us keep our own inner peace. We can only understand where to set boundaries through experiences…the joys and pains of life.
Boundaries are not armor. Boundaries strengthen us, armor weakens us. Only you will truly know the difference. Do you set healthy boundaries or do you armor up?
Listen here for more on Brené Brown's concept of strong back, soft front and wild hearts!
New Me, New Posts - Same Me, Same Posts
So here I am…soft front, strong back…working through some of my limiting beliefs publicly. I figured, what the hell. The urge to share myself with the world is outweighing the fear of making mistakes…and I’m here for it.
I am not for or against using Chat GPT or other AI tools. I’m here to learn more, evolve with new technologies, and live in integrity. I realized I would rather show up here as my authentic self than hide behind the shield of AI. I hope you all can trust me and know that I will continue to write with honesty and transparency.
Cheers to many, many more messy mistakes and the learning and growth that happens from them. And cheers to having a strong back, soft front.
Until next time,
Lauren
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