A Visual Reminder of Time
I stopped dyeing my hair when Sharon died.
My gray hair is something I’ve embraced—a visual reminder that I am aging. I am getting older. And what a privilege it is to grow old. Sharon didn’t get that chance… and when I see my gray hair, I think of her. Not all the time, but sometimes, when I look in the mirror and see my grays…I remember Shar.
I’m proud of my age. I’m 45. And so, everything I share here is from my perspective as a 45-year-old woman. I’m sure my thoughts on aging will evolve and maybe change over time—and honestly, I hope they do.
The Preciousness of Time with Kevin
I feel the preciousness of time. As time passes, we age. We grow old. And now, with Kevin’s diagnosis, I feel that sense of preciousness again…every day.
Maybe my perspective on aging has shifted because of my own health challenges. Maybe because of Sharon’s death. Or maybe it’s because the love of my life is living with a very serious disease—and I simply don’t have the desire or space to invest in “anti-aging” efforts.
I want to age—and more than anything, I want to age with Kevin. I want us to grow old together. I want the gray-hair days to come for both of us, the wrinkles and laugh lines etched from a life lived fully together. I want that time. I’m more afraid of not growing old than I am of aging.
I want to sit with our grandkids and have them trace the paper-thin skin on our hands, just as I did with my Gram. I want Kevin and me to share memories and laughter and hard-earned wisdom with our sons—and maybe one day their children, if they choose to be parents. I want to grow old together. I don’t care what we look like. I just want us to be together.
None of this is promised to us…to anyone. And maybe that’s exactly why I feel so strongly about focusing more on the internal work of aging than the external. Both are important. We need to care for our bodies and our souls as we age.
Beauty, Culture, and My Own Choices
Right now, I’m not interested in dyeing my hair, getting Botox, taking Ozempic, using fillers, or undergoing surgery to look a certain way. Not because I think I’m better than anyone else. Quite the opposite.
I know how deeply the beauty industry—and our culture—thrives on comparison and appearing young. On pitting us against each other so we continue to spend and shop and search for worth outside ourselves.
I’m not sharing this to be self-righteous. I’m just being honest about where I am in my relationship with aging and my body right now. I still do plenty of things to take care of myself. I still buy products that help me feel beautiful. And I reserve the right to change my mind at any time. If I decide one day to try something new or age differently by exploring any of the above choices, I’m here for that too.
Being a woman is fun and expressive—so you do you, boo! Age how you want.
We each get one precious life. And I hope we all find a way of aging that pleases us—not someone else’s standard. And if others notice, great. Accept the compliment. Feel gorgeous—not because you look a certain age, but because you are who you are.
The Comparison Trap
My mom used to tell us all the time: “Don’t compare yourself.”
As a teenager, I’d roll my eyes. I noticed what my friends had or were allowed to do that I wasn’t. Back then, I thought I was being deprived. Now I realize what a gift it was to hear that message on repeat.
There’s such truth—and power—in that simple statement. Maybe it stuck with me because she said it so often. And maybe that’s why I’ve never been a very competitive person. I’m not motivated by being “better than” someone else or having more. I don’t see life as a competition. I don’t feel joy from “winning”.
Even when I played sports, I was more focused on the experience than the result. And now, I pass that same phrase along to my boys. They roll their eyes too. They moan and complain about how unfair things are. Maybe they slam a door or two. But one day, they’ll understand. One day, they’ll see.
Comparison doesn’t serve me and I don’t want it to serve them. The obsession with youth and fitness is alive and well for all of us, at all ages. And with all the messaging we’re surrounded by—about how we should look, live, travel, eat, and age—it’s freeing to release the external noise.
To not compare means I get to choose what pleases me. And that is the part of what I want the boys to take with them as they age. They are beautiful boys…inside and out. More than anything, I want them to understand that their bodies and faces will change and that that is normal. We are supposed to change.
On the Obsession With Youth
We are inundated with messages glorifying youth—smooth skin, toned abs, thin bodies. It’s exhausting…if you let it.
If Sharon were here, she wouldn’t care whether I dyed my hair or not…did botox or not, etc. She’d want me to do what makes me happy.
So if you’re someone who dyes your hair, gets Botox, takes supplements, works out intensely, or carefully watches what you eat—my hope is that it brings you peace and joy in your body. That you’re doing it for you.
Beyond the Surface of Aging
Beyond the external process of aging is the internal one—and that’s where I find the deepest meaning. This is the part I really love exploring.
With age comes experience and wisdom, yes—but that alone doesn’t make someone an elder. Becoming an elder is a conscious process. I’ve thought a lot about this, and to me, it means to keep learning about others, about ourselves, and about this world—so we can offer perspective and live with love and awareness.
Personally, I don’t want to be shielded from the hard parts of life or aging. I don’t want to avoid them. As I’ve come to know myself more deeply, I’ve realized that I’m here to dive into the depths of living—and to share what I’ve learned (and what I’m still learning) with others. That’s part of why I write this blog.
I believe we’re all here to help nurture one another and care for the Earth. And we each do that in our own unique way—which makes life so rich, so interesting, so full of possibility. Maybe you feel that too.
For me, doing the inner work is essential. I want to keep shifting from the external roles I play to a deeper understanding of my inner self—my soul.
When I read The Inner Work of Age: Shifting from Role to Soul by Connie Zweig, it felt like I was quenching a deep thirst. I devoured it. Her insights on aging and the transformations that unfold through time resonated so deeply. It’s a beautiful, wise book, and I encourage everyone to read it.
Before reading this, I hadn’t really thought about what it means to be an elder. I’d always just associated the word “elder” with being old. But what does “old” even mean?
Here are a few of my favorite definitions of what it means to be an elder…
In The Inner Work of Age: Shifting from Role to Soul, Connie Zweig writes:
“Elder is a verb more than a noun, a dynamic process that reveals the ever-present but invisible urge toward more awareness or self-actualization in the human soul. Eldering is the same as evolving, a holy longing of the soul that, once recognized and directed, is purposeful and joyful. Eldering is an internal demand to honor the voice of the soul.”On her podcast, Elise Loehnen describes it like this:
“A true elder is not necessarily someone who is old, but who has reached the developmental stage in which their ability to hear the world itself and their desire to care for the world has become their number one priority.”And in Wild Mercy: Living the Fierce and Tender Wisdom of Women Mystics, author Mirabai Starr writes:
“…their own awakening is intimately intertwined with the liberation of all beings. They experience the tribulations of the world in the cells of their own bodies, and they dedicate the fruits of their spiritual efforts to the whole of the human family and the Earth.”
Living Fully at 45
I love being a woman. I love feeling beautiful and sexy and playful and strong. My body and mind can still do almost anything I want—and I’m so grateful for that. But I’m also learning to loosen my grip on youth. To accept that I am aging.
There’s no right way to age. But what I’m learning—from books, podcasts, the loss of Shar, and the seriousness of Kevin’s illness—is this: I want to live my life fully as a 45-year-old. Not trying to be younger, not pretending to be older. Just here.
I want to care for my skin, my body, and most importantly, my mind—and honor the preciousness of each other, the time we have together and this planet we all share.
And no, I don’t think we all have to go “deep” and philosophical all the time. And I’m not saying we should throw away our makeup, hair dye, waxing appointments, gym memberships or dermatologist visits. I just hope that in all the noise around us about how we should age, we can hear our own voice.
Because the most beautiful, loving, and “anti-aging” thing we can do—for ourselves and each other—is to evolve.
To deepen our relationships.
To live with presence.
To consider the legacy we’ll leave behind when we’re no longer here.
Love,
Lauren
Books and Podcasts if you’re curious 😉🌱✨💜:
The Inner Work of Age - Shifting from Role to Soul (book - author, Connie Zweig, Ph.D.)
The Life Review (podcast)
Working With the Power of Earth (podcast)
Wild Mercy - Living the Fierce and Tender Wisdom of the Women Mystics (book - author, Mirabai Starr)
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